My Unplanned Hiatus, My Great Return, and Everything 'Between

I've lost count how many times over the last few months I've apologised, and how many times that followed where people have told me to stop. Whether it's my boss in work for being off, or my doctor for always breaking down in front of him, my parents and my siblings, or my work advisor, I'm always apologising for something, but today, I want to start by saying sorry to you. I've been gone for a long time - at least, it feels that way, and I didn't give much warning, or heads up, I just.. vanished. Poof, like a puff of smoke. Do I have a good reason for taking a break away? You can bet your ass, but it doesn't take away from the fact that I left you. I stopped helping, stopped advising you, I stopped supporting you, and nurturing you. I stopped without a word, and I'm sorry.

It's been a really tough few months, but really, if I'm being completely honest with you, it's been a tough few years, and you know when you pack up problem after problem into one big box and padlock it shut, instead of actually dealing with them? Well, that's what I did, and much like all containers, it would only hold so much before it burst, and burst it did. My dam broke, my walls crumbled, and I couldn't carry on pretending, ignoring, hiding, and I couldn't carry on blogging.

So what actually happened for things to reach this point, and are you actually okay Amanda?

Let's start with April '15, when my problems first started, when I realised almost all of my social media life had been manipulated, fabricated, and spun into a web of tiny lies for over 7 years. My 'best friend' at the time confessed to me that many of my 'friends' on social media, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr, where in fact fake profiles created with real people's photos, by her. She'd created well over 100, reaching into 150 by the time she called it a day, and over those 7 years, I grew attached to these 'people'. I developed crushes. I fell in love. I shared my deepest secrets, my darkest memories, and even battled my first experience with depression with them, so you can appreciate how not only heartbreaking it was to lose all of those 'friends' in mere seconds, but also lose my trust in said 'best friend', and in people I surrounded myself with. My entire world, and everything, and everyone I knew in it had changed before my eyes. My circles shrunk. My confidence crashed. My life as I'd known it had ended. I was alone.

It's a difficult situation to describe to somebody who hasn't been through it, which is probably why I denied it'd ever happened for 6-8 months afterwards. Police have described it as a form of cyber bullying, but she didn't actually commit any crimes. Support groups and helplines have called my denial and grief that followed, and the friendship I kept with her because of that, as a type of Stockholm Syndrome. Doctors have called it 'the most extreme case of manipulation, and most unusual causes of PTSD they've ever seen". Sometimes I wish I wasn't such an individual case, so I'd actually have somebody who understood beside me..

Fast forward to February '16 and I reached the end of the line. I was out of work for anxiety and stress, and my depression was kicking me down at every opportunity. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I couldn't leave the house unless absolutely necessary. I felt pretty much at a loss. I'd held on to those profiles, those 'friends' for so long, that it eventually became a battle between my memories of them, false, fabricated, Frankenstein memories, or an uncertain and unknown future, which made finally accepting help and support all the more painful, but I realise now that I did the right thing. I started taking medication for my anxiety and depression, and got put on a waiting list for therapy. I started going out a little more, and cooking meals I actually enjoyed eating. I threw that 'best friend' to the curb (via a letter which I've made available for public reading here), and started clearing my life of negative and poisonousness memories I didn't want to let go.

Is waking up everyday as difficult as it seems? Yes. Does remembering everything that's happened hurt? Of course, but it wouldn't be healthy if it didn't, and I can see that now that I'm on the road to recovery. I feel so much more than the emptiness that once filled me. I feel grief, hurt, sadness, anger, hatred, spite, and fear over what happened, and why I'm the one made to suffer, but I also feel excitement and intrigue over what my new future might hold, topped with a ton of anxiety, but I'm getting there, and that's something I never thought I'd feel afterwards.

Pretty easy to see why Nellie and Co. wasn't my number one priority, am I right?

However, if this experience were a cloud, there would be a silver lining, and that's everything good that's come of it all. For starters, I finally said goodbye to my long long locks and am now sporting a new bouncy shoulder length do instead. It was the first of my big lifestyle changes, and I'm certainly still getting used to, you know, not having a million strands of hair all over my face. The second big step was coming out to my parents, and while I wish I could say I did it in an exciting way, I just sort of.. blurted it out instead. These two steps, although minor, where HUGE in terms of finding my future, and what it may hold. I have a certain sense of freedom now, freedom from fake friends, freedom from fear, and freedom from my past, not to mention the freedom to make some serious changes..

That's where Nellie and Co. comes in.

When I took my hiatus to give myself some serious TLC, I always knew I'd return. Was there a set date? No, but I knew I'd get a gut feeling when the time is right, and a few days ago, I got that feeling deep in the pit of my chest. I missed the community, and I missed the people in it. I missed creating and crafting content, and catching up on Twitter. I missed the friends I realised I'd made through blogging, and remembered that the only person who can manipulate my life, and my future is me, so I'm coming home.

It won't be a balloons and banners affair, and neither will you find yourself with an influx of content filling your doorstep, I'm taking things slowly, and allowing myself to make some needed changes. There's no set schedule, at least, not for now, and there's no real rules I'm making for myself either, because rules only ever get broken in the end anyway. While it's main branding won't see any changes, Nellie and Co. might see itself get a slight nip and tuck, and tweaks here and there, because this girl is no longer feeling quite so grey. Content wise, you can realistically expect one post a week, alongside a separate day for Blogger Love. While I've been through and battled depression before now, this time feels much different; things are a lot more complicated and difficult, and there's a lot more to consider, so for now, I ask for your patience and consideration, so I can get myself better, and bring Nellie and Co. back on top.

I hope you forgive my absence, and don't mind me sharing such a personal experience with you. I have plans to share more about the experience and it's repercussions on Safe Space in the upcoming months, but I felt you deserved to know the basics. For now though, you can find me on Twitter, sharing love and finding what makes me happy. Thank you to everyone who's waited for me to come back, and supported me throughout everything. I've missed you all so much.. See you all soon. <3